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July 2015, vol 11 no 2

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Ray Rasmussen


Hammacher Schlemmer, self-billed as "America's longest running catalog," arrived in my mailbox today. It claims to offer "the best, the only and the unexpected".

The Automatic Return Putting Cup at $39.95 makes the sound of polite applause when the ball enters the cup. To get my money's worth in sound bites, I'd prefer one that plays Christina Aguilera's "I am beautiful, no matter what they say," as the ball zips past the cup.

As a boy, I wanted to become a spy, so I seriously consider The G-Man's Convertible Travel Jacket at $69.95 featuring 40 hidden pockets. There are a number of interesting possibilities including a pocket for a pen-weapon. My pen will be filled with poison ink. (Beware, editor, if you turn down this submission!)

I settle on the $49.95 Rotating Globe Running Wheel which they claim works equally well for hamsters, gerbils and white rats. At the next cocktail party I'm forced to attend, I'll warm up the conversations by relating that my daughter's hamster has circled the globe more than once.

family day
my kids glued
to computer games

Note: The haibun is a revision of one previously published in Lynx.